TEHRAN, Iran (CAP) - President Bush today signed off on a plan to send analysts from the Department of Homeland Security to Iran for several weeks to assist in the implementation of a color-coded advisory system. While the United States uses such a system to alert its citizens to potential terrorist threats, the Iranians will be utilizing the technology for a different purpose.
"As you can see, right now it is on Green, or Low. And you can see right underneath it says No gays present. It is just as President Ahmadinejad said," explained Iranian Cultural Affairs Secretary Ahmed Dabashi as he pointed to a large, color-coded graph behind him.
"If the Great Satan Bush were to have his soldiers penetrate a gay man over our borders, we would know, and the level would rise to Blue/Guarded, or One gay detected," said Dabashi. "We would then take appropriate action. Gas a village, that sort of thing."
Other levels in the system, codenamed the Homosexual Security System, include Elevated/Yellow ("More gays"), High/Orange ("Lots more gays"), and Severe/Red ("Gay invasion!"). The color-coding is merely an interface for a complex technological system being set up by the DHS analysts in Iran.
"We call it Gaydar," said Pentagon spokesperson Alice Witherall. "The system is composed of a great many components that I can't really get into because of their classified status. What they essentially do is monitor a person's speech patterns, their walk, what they do with their hands, whether they flutter them like a bird, or clench them all angry and manly-like; what are their shopping patterns - Vogue or Woodworker Monthly, top-shelf strawberry-scented shampoo or whatever's cheapest; what do they wear, do for fun, who are their friends.
"It's pretty much the same sort of things that kick in whenever you sign out a library book, only more tuned to gay," Witherall said.
Since there are no gay people in Iran of whom to ask an opinion, CAP News contacted several gay/lesbian groups in the United States for their reaction to the new Iranian Homosexual Security System. To our surprise, the response was pretty much a large "ho-hum."
"If you're gay and you feel the need to live in Iran, there's something wrong with you at the outset, OK?" said Darryll Jennings of the LA-based group Gay Power Now. "It's only marginally better than this country. I can't marry, and wish me luck if I wanted to adopt or join the military. Sure the chimpster hasn't gassed a village to root me out, but give him time.
"I just want to know what Br'er Rabbit came up with the lovely rainbow 'oh no, it's a homo' chart," Jennings added.
Not surprisingly, one segment of the U.S. that stands firmly behind Iran's attempts to eradicate even a whiff of gay is evangelical churches and other religious-based family groups.
"Say what you want about Iran, they don't put up with any sissy stuff," said James Dobson of the group Focus on the Family. "No gay musical movies, no male cheerleaders, no crying when you stub a toe or cut a finger off in shop class, no sir. We'll be watching this Gaydar thing very closely over the next few months."